The silence of early mornings. This is my time. My favorite part of the day. Often I’m the first one up in the house. I can read, meditate, pray, write, correspond, check social media, all in the silence. This is precious silence.
And then there is uncomfortable silence. If I’m home by myself for a day, or even half a day, the silence will begin to irk me. I’ll turn on the TV just for the noise and the company. When I’m alone in the car, I turn on the radio for the noise. When silence ensues between myself and an acquaintance, I quickly fill the void with chatter. Why do I do this? Why am I not comfortable with the silence?
Perhaps it’s too scary. I have to face more of myself in the silence. I have to face who I am, and face where I am lacking. It’s hard to shut my mind down from running in a million different directions. It’s hard to stop doing. It’s hard to be content. But deep down, I believe that silence teaches. And silence heals. And silence restores. And in the silence, I can finally hear God.
I’ve never gone on a silent retreat, though I want to some day. I’ve known others who have and the positive experience it was for them. They say it was difficult, but rewarding. It helped them to touch a part of themselves from which they had been disconnected. I do try to take time for mini silent retreats: sitting outside on the deck at the beginning of each day, or longer blocks of time when I get the chance, such as those rare moments at home alone, or a walk in the woods by myself. I want to be more deliberate about this, though. It helps me to listen to my inner voice. It helps me to become comfortable with who I am. It helps me to embrace life as it is.
So, here’s to a new commitment to silence, to creating empty spaces in life that don’t need to be crowded out. Here’s to not filling in the gaps, to being okay with my insufficiencies, and to being content with rest. For this is when God speaks. This is where I find God. This is where I find who I really am. In the holy hush. In the still silence. In the quiescent quiet.
A Thomas Merton quote:
Music is pleasing not only because of the sound but because of the silence that is in it: without the alternation of sound and silence there would be no rhythm. If we strive to be happy by filling all the silences of life with sound, productive by turning all of life’s leisure into work, and real by turning all our being into doing, we will only succeed in producing a hell on earth. If we have no silence, God is not heard in our music. If we have no rest, God does not bless our work. If we twist our lives out of shape in order to fill every corner of them with action and experience, God will silently withdraw from our hearts and leave us empty.
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