What is my role as a parent? I’ve asked myself that question so many times. And I’ve answered it in myriad different ways throughout the years. (And I’ve been a parent for over 24 years now.) I used to see my parental role as helping my child to become like me. That sounds arrogant, but it’s more true than I’ve realized. I hoped my child would act like me, dress like me, think like me, and believe like me. I wanted them to adopt my ideas, my opinions, my faith, and my dreams. I needed them to make the same decisions I would and live according to my standards. And my standards tended to be the standards of the community around me and the expectations I felt from those that surrounded me. What a burden of expectations to put on a child! And what a fearful way for me to live: afraid that my child may step out of line, may not conform, and therefore may bring shame to me and our family. When I lived like this, it was so easy to become disappointed in my child. And without realizing it, I was teaching them conformity, instead of the strength and independence they needed to live competently as an adult. Continuing down this path, I could’ve easily stepped into the trap of accepting my child if she does what I want and rejecting her if she goes against my wishes. Fortunately, I realized that this was not the relationship I wanted with my children. This was not the goal I had in mind for my family.
I have realized, thankfully, that my child is not my possession to do with as I want. My child should not be manipulated by me to live up to my ideals. No, my job as a parent is to start letting go, from day one, little by little, teaching my child to be independent, so that by the time she is 18 or so, she is ready to embrace the world on her own. Does that mean I just let her go from an early age and don’t set any boundaries, letting her do whatever she wants? Of course not. But, I do start letting her make her choices one step at a time and live with the consequences of those choices, from deciding what toy to play with at age 1 to deciding what friends to spend time with at age 13 to deciding what classes she wants to take at age 17. Does that mean I can’t teach my child what I believe and share with her my thoughts? Of course not. But as I share and, more importantly, live my beliefs in front of her, I need to give her space to question and explore and come to her own conclusions. Does this mean she won’t make mistakes when she gets out on her own? Of course not. But, I want to give her the fortitude to stand up and face difficult circumstances with strength and power. And I want her to know that I will be her cheerleader, no matter what choices she makes.
Which brings me to what I believe is my most important parental role: to let my child know how deeply loved she is, by me and by God. And to let her know that she has so much worth as a precious child of God, and as a treasured child of mine. If I can convey this, I have given her all she needs to face life fully.
Interestingly, I’ve noticed that as I help my child to embrace life, I’m also learning to welcome my own life with more confidence and patience and courage and power. For I now see that part of my role as a parent is letting my child help me to become who I was meant to be. It is letting myself learn and grow. It is being willing to be bent and stretched and challenged. It is not being afraid of change, but embracing the future courageously. It is listening to my child and letting her influence me.
As family, we learn from each other. We move forward together. We are friends, no matter how different we may be. We have a print hanging above our piano that reads: “Our family is a circle of strength and love. With every birth and every union, the circle grows. Every joy shared adds more love. Every crisis faced together makes the circle stronger.” This is what I want my family to be, and I think we are achieving this as my children have begun their adult years. We walk into the future together, talking and laughing and playing, no matter how divergent our lives may look from the outside. For I have changed from wanting my child to be just like me to desiring my child to be different from me. I want her to embrace her future, not my past. I want to let her move on into her tomorrow without holding her within my today.
On Children by Kahlil Gibran
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Leave a Reply